Yawn

I'm probably the biggest wuss I know. I hate confrontation so much that I will keep myself in situations that make me miserable to avoid it. My current situation is that I have a list about two pages long of issues I need to discuss with my supervisor but because all those things would cause so much drama and discomfort I continue to just keep it all inside and my head continues to feel like it might explode.

I thought that even if I can't go to her face to face and say some of these things (as if that would happen... one of my complaints is that she rarely ever actually shows up to work), maybe I could just write a long email and send it off and let her process some of the issues before she talks to me. But now I've pretty much decided to chicken out on that too. For every single one of my issues I've managed to come up with multiple responses that she might have and none of them are pretty.

I'm trying to figure out a way that I can just deal with my job (without my head exploding) until I can figure out how to get out of it but there is no scenario that even comes close to working for both me and the company I work for. And now that I'm in a little bit better apartment and paying a bit more in rent and I have a car loan I'm pretty much stuck at this job for sure. For a while I was thinking that I could be willing to take a pay cut if a better job came along, but that's not going to happen now.

I don't know what to do. I'm tired of feeling so stuck. I wish I could just make some decisions and follow through on them.

Why Hello There Blogger

Wow - I haven't posted anything since July? That's crazy!

Anyhoo...

I'm all moved into my new apartment. It's freakin awesome to be out of that nasty, smokey, cat pee stankin cave that I've been in for the last few months! I looooooooove not having people stomping around above me. And as an added bonus, I've met three neighbors who live in the building and they all seem very friendly. One neighbor even helped my friend and I get my couch into my apartment when we got stuck in between the 2nd and 3rd floors! That's pretty awesome.

It's been an unusually cool summer. The leaves are already changing and falling off the trees. Usually it's mid-October and I'm wondering why the leaves haven't started changing yet! I'm hoping that since we had a cool summer, we'll have a warm winter. One can dream, right?

The job sucks. Note to self: BUY LOTTERY TICKETS! Hehehe. I just don't understand how they can keep giving us more and more work and expect higher productivity and not bother to give us a pay increase at all. I found out that they increased the amount of money they pay people to start so I'm basically making the same money as someone who would start today but I'm trained to do like three or four times the amount of things they do. That fucking sucks! I know I'm not a superstar at this job... hell, I know I suck at this job, but I do a lot and I know a lot and I don't think it's right that after three years I'm not making any more money than someone who's just walking in the door today. I realize that when I started, starting wage was a lot lower and I've gotten raises since then, but it still doesn't seem right that I make the same money as a new hire. And then throw on top of that the fact that I feel like I work for a completely different company than I started working for, and the fact that nobody in the company listens when I tell them that I'm overwhelmed, and the fact that 96% of everybody else is just going along with whatever the company wants without putting up any fight or resistance and it makes me feel like I must be fucking crazy for thinking we deserve more money if we're going to do more work. But I'm sorry, I can't just drink their fucking Kool-Aid and do what they tell me to do no matter how stressful it gets and no matter if they're going to compensate me appropriately. So I feel like a lazy, whiny trouble maker even though in my heart I know I just want what's fair. No fun at all.

Artapalooza is tomorrow. That should be fun. I'm crossing my fingers for sunshine (or at least for no rain). I'm taking a friend's kid with me so that will be interesting. Hopefully she'll behave and not get all pouty or anything. Unlike when her mother says to straighten up or we're leaving, I actually mean it when I say that and the kid knows it so hopefully she'll be okay. There should be plenty of activities to keep her busy. I'm hoping for a good day.

BALLS!!!

A few weeks ago I wrote about how they keep piling things up on us at work and if it were to continue I'd have to be prepared to leave my job... Well, I had something specific in mind that I knew they would do, but I was sort of hoping they would come to their senses. I was assuming they had senses to come to. They don't. And they're doing exactly the thing that was going to make me walk away. Unfortunately I can't leave now. My health insurance is too good and I need it too much right now. I've been uninsured and sick before and the state's program is crap because if anything happens and I need medical care, I have to go a hospital an hour and a half away which is not even close to being practical.

Last night at work a few of us were talking about how we would love to get the hell out of there but they really do have us by the balls! They pay us too much and give us pretty good benefits and they know there aren't other jobs in the area that will give us as much and they know that because we need our pay and benefits that we're stuck doing whatever the hell they want us to do. I need my health insurance. And as much as I want to lash out at my supervisor and make an overly dramatic exit from my soul sucking corporate nightmare of a job, I can't. I'm stuck.

I'm going to have to start painting again. I really need an outlet for all of the anger and frustration that I can't put into words.

Rawr Pt. 2

I saw the GI specialist about the pain I've been having. I have to have a scope so they can go in and take a look at my organs. Supposedly I'll be asleep for this and I'm really, really hoping so because I highly doubt having a tube down my throat is going to be a fun time at all. If it ends up being what they're thinking it is then it could be pretty simple to treat so I'm hoping for that and not something more serious.

Fingers crossed.

Rawr

Five years ago this month I was extremely sick and after seeing several doctors they finally determined that my gall bladder needed to be removed and so it was. And I've never had any pain in that area since... until about a week ago I had a sharp pain in the same area that my gall bladder used to be and ever since the initial sharp pain I've been having minor pain in the same area off and on. I went to the doc and she did some blood tests and an ultrasound on my liver and everything looked okay. But I'm still having pain so she's sending me to a GI Specialist.

Up until I got the results of my blood tests and ultrasound I had been having quite a bit of anxiety about what could possibly be causing the pain. I made the huge mistake of looking up the most serious diseases that I thought I could possibly have. Never do that! Ever! It's always a bad idea to do that kind of thing. However, with everything I looked up I'm not exactly having other symptoms besides pain, so I could hardly diagnose myself with any of the catastrophic illnesses I looked up. But I'm sure there are tons of things it could be that I have never heard of. That's a cause of anxiety but I'm trying desperately not to think about it.

Having to see the GI Specialist is also a cause for anxiety. I've heard about the horrors of some of the tests they do. The thought of the tests alone gives me anxiety. I don't really know what they heck they're going to do with me. I'm not having intestinal problems. I'm not having heart burn. I'm not having poo troubles (tmi, I know and I apologize). Just a bit of pain in my liver area.

I'm hoping it's nothing serious. But whatever it is, I just want to know what it is and how to get rid of it and I want this over with quickly so I can just stop freaking out about it.

Fade to Black

When I first started my four tens shift at work I loved it because that meant I would have three days off every week. That was awesome. But now the three days seems to go by just as quickly as the two days used to and with this schedule I can't seem to do anything on the days that I work which means that I tend to be more busy on my days off. And on top of that my sleep pattern hasn't been able to shift at all. Going to work two hours earlier than I used to means I have to wake up two hours earlier and go to sleep two hours earlier which doesn't sound like much, but now not only can I not fall asleep for a long time after laying down, but I also can't stay asleep. And it's not just on the days I work, it's when I'm off too. It sucks. I can't stand being this tired all the time. Last night at work I felt like I had seriously hit a wall going a hundred miles an hour. I could barely keep my head up, let alone get any actual work accomplished.

So I think I'm going to have to ask for my schedule to go back to five eights. But the problem is that my supervisor has said that if I hadn't taken this four ten hour shift it would have been nearly impossible to move the other people on my team to four ten hour shifts. There are people on my team who have been begging for a four tens shift for years. Now that they have what they want, I don't want to be the person who's responsible for taking it away. But if I stay on this shift my health is going to suffer in a major way. Now usually I'm not one who really pays a lot of attention to my health, I mean, c'mon, look at my fat ass, do I really look like someone who cares about my health? But now that I'm not sleeping I'm actually feeling more unhealthy and lethargic. I don't know how long I can actually keep it up. I don't even know how much longer I can continue working third shift at all. I can't go back to working first or second shift at this job, I can't get a different job right now (can't take a major cut in pay), and I'm fading fast on third so I don't really know what I'm going to do.

I feel sick.

A B C

What's Goin' On

A couple weeks ago I was in a meeting at work and the presenter kept talking about things like market share, competition and winning the race and over the course of the two hours I must have thought to myself at least twenty times, "I don't belong here." It was very much one of those "one of these things is not like the others" kind of moments. Everybody else was participating and vocal and I said as little as possible because I would have had to just fake my way through it. Mind you, I have to fake it all the time with the customers, but it's a lot easier to do over the phone than it is face to face. It's also easier to fake it with customers than it is with co-workers.

I've been really stressed out the past couple months with the amount of work they're expecting and it seems like there's a ton more on the horizon. I've just passed my breaking point. I can tell because my pace is slower than it used to be and I'm pretty sure the quality of my work has been suffering a bit too. But according to my supervisor third shift doesn't have an option as far as getting to pick and choose the work we do. And that sucks because I know people on first shift who can pretty much say no to anything - even some of the things that most of us consider to be the basics. Those people don't get raises at all, but as far as I'm concerned, they can take a dollar an hour away from me if it means I get a choice.

Anyway, I've come to the realization that they will probably continue to pile the work on and not listen to the people who are telling them that it's already too much. And if they do, I have to seriously be prepared to leave this job. What they're expecting of people is just too much. Even the Head Honcho has acknowledged that he believes we're operating at the very max of what we can individually do, and yet he's also trying to bring us more. Doesn't make much sense to me unless we're planning on hiring, which I highly, highly doubt we'll be doing until the economy turns around. I'm miserable in this job and every time I try to make some sort of adjustment to make it more tolerable, it backfires on me. I can't take any more. I'm just tired of dreading every work day and I only see the problem getting worse.

When I started my job I planned on spending no more than five years there, part time, while going to school and living with roommates. That didn't play out so well. As of October I will have been there three years, I'm full time, school is no longer an option and I've been through two roommates during that time and cannot see myself ever having another one. So it's time to change the plan.

I'm feeling like I need to be prepared to take a huge pay cut when I have to go to a different job. So when I talk about getting a smaller place in other posts, it's not just a matter of what I prefer, it's a matter of what can I afford if I'm making two or three dollars an hour less than what I'm making now.

Another thought that crosses my mind is that if I'm going to have to take on the dreaded process of finding a different job, why the hell should I stay here? Why not take that opportunity to move? I've been saying for years that I want to move away and I've been thinking it since I was a child. Even if I don't end up going to some place "huge" like Minneapolis or Charlotte or Atlanta, I could move to a little bit bigger area... Des Moines maybe? It's only a two hour drive from where I am now, but there's a lot more going on. I know a couple people who live in Des Moines who I'm pretty comfortable with so I'd have no problem asking for a place to stay overnight if I wanted to drive out for a couple interviews or look for an apartment or just hang out and get acquainted with the area.

Well, hopefully I'm able to figure out something that ends up resulting in a positive experience. I just can't keep having everything I do turn to crap.

To Pitch or Not to Pitch

Now that I have three days off I'm going through my things trying to figure out what I really want to keep and what I don't really need or want anymore. It's funny because I go through this process at least every time I move and somehow I always find crap that I have no use for. It's weird.

I have a few boxes that I carry with me every time I move but I haven't opened in at least a couple years. These boxes contain my old journals that I started writing when I was seventeen. Tonight I pulled the boxes out of the closet and opened them. I looked at the covers of the books that contain the stories of my life and began to wonder why I need to carry them with me anymore. I'm tempted to take them out to the dumpster but I'm also hesitant. I may remember a good portion of the experiences I've written about now but what about in ten, twenty, thirty years. Will I even care to remember some of these extremely painful or embarrassing moments of my life? What about the good moments? I spent so much time writing in my journals over the years, it seems like I need to keep them. My entire self is written in these books, how can I just throw them away? But if they're so important to my why do I keep them in boxes in the back of the closet everywhere I move? Why don't I keep them accessible and why don't I look at them more often? If I were to get rid of them it would be fewer boxes to have to move with me. I've thought about scanning them into the computer so I will have digital copies, then I might not need to keep the actual journals. But that task seems so incredibly daunting. It would probably take a few months to get every page scanned and organized. It would be a massive project that I'm not prepared to take on at the moment.

I'm not sure of what to do. I'm really feeling strongly that I need to get rid of some things to make it easier for me to move around. I'm now realizing I may never find an apartment that I like enough to feel that I can live there for more than a year. Every time I move I go into it thinking that it's going to be long term and then something goes horribly wrong and I end up moving every six months to a year. I'm tired of moving, but I'm in no position to be purchasing my own house or anything, especially considering the way I feel about my job currently (which I've talked about in the past, but I've had a recent sort-of-revelation that I'll explain in a later post). I basically need to be prepared to move every six months or so if need be and if that's the case then I have to downsize. When I moved into this apartment I bought a bunch of furniture that I never had before and I'm wondering if that might have been a mistake because it's going to be so much harder to move with all this extra stuff. And when I consider that I really only have one person in my life right now who I know is willing to help me move it stresses me out because it's a lot of heavy lifting for a couple of out of shape fat girls. If I could just rewind to a few years ago when I still had a bunch of friends who lived here, it wouldn't be a problem. So, while to most people a few extra boxes of books might not be such a hassle, in my world, it feels like anything I can do to lighten the load, I need to go ahead and do it. But if I get rid of all those journals I think I'd regret it in another couple years when I want to pull them out and read them again.

Do I keep my journals or I do I pitch them?

random random random

• sleepy.
• started my new four tens schedule last night. long night. made worse by the fact that our systems were down. hate when that happens.
• hair is short again. not too short. not as long and annoying as it was. i don't do anything with it anyway so why not just go bald and maybe get myself a series of funny hats?
• sleepy.
• sometimes i feel too tired to shower but then once i get in the shower i don't want to get out. love being in water. someday i will swim again. *sigh*
• love, love, love law & order: svu. love it! i wish there was a channel just for svu. i'd never leave the couch. wait... i don't leave the couch now so what the hell am i talking about?
• so many things i just don't understand. so. many. things.
• dreaming big lately. no point. no clue.
• head hurts.
• sleepy.

Yeah, I Said Fuck!

Crude language ahead. Reader discretion is advised.

Sometimes I just have to use the word fuck for no fucking reason. This is one of those times.

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!!!

I fucking hate living in this fucking apartment. I fucking hate it!!! I fucking hate the cat pee. I fucking hate the smoke. I hate that my clothes smell like I've been living in a pre-smoking ban bar for a year. I hate the loud kids upstairs. I hate the loud music next to me. I hate what sounds like constant hammering coming from both above and beside me. I hate the people across the hall who are always fighting to the point that the guy is violent and lashes out in the most bizarre ways. I hate that most of my neighbors don't work. I hate that my tax dollars are being spent so they can sit around all day and contribute nothing to the world. I guess I don't contribute shit to the world either, but at least I have a fucking job and I'm not mooching off of my hard working neighbors! I hate that I can't sleep because of all the noise that surrounds me. I hate that the apartment manager lied to me before I moved in. I hate that it's only the beginning of June and I can't fucking move until September at the earliest! My lease isn't even up until the end of September, but I want out so bad that I'm willing to pay rent at two places for a month if it means I can get the hell out of here that much sooner. And depending on how much money I'm able to keep in savings, I might be willing to move in August and pay rent on two places for two months. That's how much I hate it here! And believe me, there are many things I could do with that thousand dollars, but if it means getting me out of this fucking fucked up circus I find myself in, I'll do it. I'll start all over on my savings if it means I get to move to someplace clean and quiet.

Which brings me to the "Where the Fuck are You Going to Find a Quiet Place to Live" section of today's post. I've always thought I should be able to live with the elderly in the 55+ apartments. I'm quiet - I won't be playing my new fangled rock-a-billy music all hours of the night... hell, even if I do I usually have the headphones on anyway - they won't hear a peep from me! And sure, they might have Matlock on a bit louder than I'd like to hear, but it wouldn't be nearly as disturbing as the bullshit I have to deal with right now.

Lately I've been thinking that I just want a small, cheap apartment because I still have this idea in the back of my head that I want to save money and move away from here at some point. Right now I pay too much for rent... especially for what I have to deal with here, but even if the apartment was perfect I think I would still feel that way. It fucking sucks because I had been thinking that I would want to rent a house, which would help with my need to live in peace, but there's more money going out with a house than with an apartment. Generally speaking, if you rent a house you also have to pay a water bill in addition to gas/electric and speaking of gas and electricity, that bill is generally a lot more in a house than in an apartment. The last place I lived was a house and we were fucking lucky if we were able to keep our utility bill under $250 a month during the winter. I'm not looking to have to spring that kind of money on my own considering that the highest my bill has gotten in my apartment is $75. Then you have to think about the fact that if you rent a house, lawn care and snow removal are generally not included, you have to do that shit on your own. Fucking retarded. I'd have to buy a lawn mower at the least and most likely a snow blower because shoveling was no fucking fun at all this winter! I'd have to be outside in the heat mowing the fucking lawn and in the sub zero winter temps shoveling and snow blowing. Another thing with all that is that it feels like if I buy stuff for a house (like the lawn mower and snow blower), it feels like it's more permanent. And on the one hand I am looking for a place I can just live for a while and not have to fucking move every six months to a year, but on the other hand, I want to have the option of picking up and moving whenever. If I spend the money on those things, it's like I'm making some huge commitment. Maybe it's really not, but in my head it feels that way.

If I were to move into another apartment I would have to stick to my list of needs.

• Top floor... Never again can I have people living above me. It never used to be an issue, but with my current neighbors living above me, I absolutely will not deal with this fucking nonsense again.
• No pets allowed... Not because I don't love animals, but because too many people don't care to potty train their pets and they end up leaving pee all over the apartment. Why the fuck would I want to live with someone else's pet's odors? I don't. I've now lived in three placed that smelled like cat pee. ENOUGH!!!
• Decent neighbors... Although, it's difficult to gauge how decent your neighbors are before moving in and if you ask the landlord or apartment manager they'll just lie to your face to get you to move in as I found out after my most recent move.

I'm abandoning the idea that I have to live near work. Look where feeling that I had to live near work got me. Sure, it's just up the street now, but I'm miserable at home, so it doesn't mean much that I have a short commute... I don't care to spend the extra few minutes at home anyway. It would be fucking awesome to live near work, but if I have to go farther away to get what I want then I'll just have to suck it up and deal with it.

I also used to feel that I needed a decent sized kitchen, that's another idea I'm leaving behind. I have a nice sized kitchen right now and I find that I rarely cook in it. Since I've been here the most complicated thing I've made is spaghetti. Spaghetti doesn't require a lot of space.

SIDE NOTE: As I'm sitting here writing this, I've put my headphones on and have the music loud enough that I can't hear anything that's happening outside, across the hall or upstairs and yet I can still feel the front door of the building slam shut and I can still feel the kids upstairs jumping around. That's fucked up... now back to the show...

Two bedrooms used to be a requirement, but now that I have two bedrooms it's almost too much space. The idea was that one room would be used as a computer room / creative space, but I haven't created any sort of art in a long time and now that I have a laptop I don't feel I need a separate room for the computer. One bedroom should be enough... unless I were to magically feel a burst of creativity again and want space to paint, but honestly, I haven't felt that in quite some time so I guess I don't expect it to return any time soon. Fuck, it would be nice to feel that again, but it's just not there right now so I don't see any point in paying for extra space that I'm not using.

Okay... well this is going on and on and on and I have to try to get some sleep so I can be bright eyed and bushy tailed for my dumb fucking job tonight. Yeah, I have a lot of fucking things to say about my fucking job too right now, but I don't have the time at the moment... maybe next week when I have three days off.

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!!!

This is Biblical Marriage!

Playlist 05/27/09

1. Home - Duncan Sheik
2. Full of Grace - Sarah McLaughlin
3. Thinking Amelia - Deb Talan
4. How to Fight Loneliness - Wilco
5. Grey - Ani Difranco
6. Sonny Came Home - Shawn Colvin
7. Sour Girl - Stone Temple Pilots
8. God Says Nothing Back - The Wallflowers
9. Scattered Leaves - The Be Good Tanyas
10. Fall Down - Pilate

What?

So I just read the following Letter to the Editor in my local newspaper - you have to read this garbage...

Support ban on gay marriage

Pastor Joshua Graber

OELWEIN --- Recent events in Iowa have deeply saddened me. I am saddened to find that Iowa is no longer safe for those who wish to raise children. I am not writing as a Republican or a Democrat, as a conservative or liberal. I wish to address you as a person who is deeply concerned about our state. Please understand that I do not hate anyone. I believe that all men are sinners before God. However, God specifically takes a negative view of homosexuality (according to the Bible), as do all honest health professionals. My research tells me the following (keep in mind that homosexuals are only 4 percent of the population):

1. Fifty-four percent of AIDS carriers are homosexuals.

2. The majority of gays say that they have an average of 101 to 500 sexual partners.

3. Gays are six times more likely to use drugs intravenously.

4. Homosexuals are responsible for 30 percent of all child molestation cases.

5. Lesbians are more likely to have breast cancer and be obese.

Please stand up for our families and pressure your state legislators to ban gay "marriage" as 43 other states have done.

-----------------------------

WOW! What interesting misinformation. I don't have words to combat this kind of stupidity. One of the points in this letter that really gets to me is when he says that homosexuals are responsible for 30 percent of all child molestation cases. I don't think that number is accurate at all (from having done my own research in college), but let's just pretend this statistic is correct for a moment... then that means heterosexuals must be responsible for 70 percent of all child molestation cases, right? So wouldn't that mean that a heterosexual is much more likely to molest a child than a homosexual? If that's the case (by this man's logic) how safe could it be to raise a child amongst heterosexuals? Also, I'd like know what constitutes as an "honest health professional" in this man's eyes. Where the hell did he do his "research"? GodHatesFags.com? Not a great source of information. It drives me nuts when letters like this one come out because I know that people like this are trying to invoke fear in the minds of the masses which will lead to writing inequality into the law books. Absolutely ridiculous!

Summation

"Chaotic action is preferable to orderly inaction." - Will Rogers

If only I could muster up the courage to live by these words.

Oh the Stupidity!

Ever since the court ruling that same-sex marriage is legal in Iowa I've read comment after comment after comment about how immoral it is and how God is going to punish us for this and how now we'll have to allow people to marry their pets and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. My favorite is when people say to let the gays marry because that means that over time there will be less of them. Really? Only gay people have gay kids? That's a really interesting fact to know! I'm sick of that garbage. I'm sooooooo sick of it. And these people are the same people who are going to get a constitutional ban on same-sex marriage passed within the next couple of years. And that makes no sense to me. You know what does make sense to me... passing a constitutional amendment to ban different-sex marriage. I mean after all, it's those types of unions that have destroyed marriage! Gah! I'm so sick of this stupid fucking argument! Either let same-sex couples legally marry or do away with the civil marriage thing altogether! Either make it equal and fair for all couples or just get rid of the entire institution.

And with that, I bring out the good ol' snarky list of reasons that gays shouldn't be allowed to marry!

1. Being gay is not natural. Real Americans always reject unnatural things like eyeglasses, polyester, and air conditioning.

2. Gay marriage will encourage people to be gay, in the same way that hanging around tall people will make you tall.

3. Legalizing gay marriage will open the door to all kinds of crazy behavior. People may even wish to marry their pets because a dog has legal standing and can sign a marriage contract.

4.Straight marriage has been around a long time and hasn't changed at all; women are still property, blacks still can't marry whites, and divorce is still illegal.

5. Straight marriage will be less meaningful if gay marriage were allowed; the sanctity of Britney Spears' 55-hour just-for-fun marriage would be destroyed.

6. Straight marriages are valid because they produce children. Gay couples, infertile couples, and old people shouldn't be allowed to marry because our orphanages aren't full yet, and the world needs more children.

7. Obviously gay parents will raise gay children, since straight parents only raise straight children.

8. Gay marriage is not supported by religion. In a theocracy like ours, the values of one religion are imposed on the entire country. That's why we have only one religion in America.

9. Children can never succeed without a male and a female role model at home. That's why we as a society expressly forbid single parents to raise children.

10. Gay marriage will change the foundation of society; we could never adapt to new social norms. Just like we haven't adapted to cars, the service-sector economy, or longer life spans.

Quick

Ho-Hum...

So much to say...

So little motivation to say it.

Home?

Here are a couple pictures of my apartment... Since the last time I wrote I spoke to the apartment manager and asked for professional cleaning of the ventilation and for new carpet since it seems as though those are the only things that will get rid of the cat pee and smoke smells. The apartment manager spoke to the owner and the owner would only agree to having the furnace professionally cleaned. He didn't think it would be necessary to replace the carpets at this point. Personally, I think that's crap. I think the owner should come and spend 24 hours in my apartment and then tell me that replacing the carpets isn't necessary. Hello!? They stink! So I've pretty much made up my mind now that I'll be moving when my lease is up in September. It sucks because I was really looking forward to staying put for a while. Oh well.

Here's my living room with my brand new extremely comfy couch. Seriously, it's the kind of couch that you just sink into - It's freakin awesome! But the room is kind of bare. At this point I have no plans to purchase anything more for this apartment. Why spend money trying to make this place feel like home if it's not going to ever really feel (or smell) like home?

Here is what was supposed to me my computer / art room. However because of the cat pee and smoke smells I just don't feel very comfortable or creative in this room. It will probably just stay as is until it's time to move again. I'm not going to bother hanging anything on the walls or organizing art supplies... it's just going to keep that empty feeling.

Here I Go Again

Ever since I moved into my apartment there has been one maintenance issue after another. The biggest issue currently is the smell of my apartment. When I first moved in the paint fumes were so overwhelming that you couldn't really smell anything else, but as the paint fumes calmed down, cat pee and smoke started to come out. I decided to try to get rid of the smells on my own so I spent a good $50 on different sprays and chemicals and the only thing they did was make my lungs hurt even worse than just the pee and smoke. So the apartment manager said he could have the carpet cleaners come out and use some special chemicals to get rid of the smells. I had little hope that it would help, but I figured why not give it a try. When the carpet cleaner guy got here I asked him if the chemicals would actually get rid of the smells or if it would just mask the odors for a while. He was kind of a dick and didn't really answer me, which was really all the answer I needed. Well whatever the chemicals were they used, they were way too strong for me to deal with so I had to leave the apartment for a while and get some fresh air. When I got back home I had to suffer through - even with the windows open it was far too strong for my lungs to deal with. Well after about 24 hours, the chemical smell wore off and it was back to smoke and cat pee. Great. I live in a building that is supposed to be non-smoking and pets supposedly aren't allowed and what do I end up with? An apartment that is holding onto two of the worst smells known to man! The smoke is in the ventilation - I can smell it when the furnace kicks in so there's no real way that I can see to get rid of that without installing a new heating and ac unit and believe me, new carpet isn't happening so they definitely won't spring for that! So I'm back to trying to make it work on my own. I can't do any more crazy chemicals so no more sprays or anything. Now I've got baking soda down on the floors. Supposedly it's worked for others according to many posters on random websites. I have my doubts, but if it can soak up nasty refrigerator smells, maybe it can soak up smoke and cat pee too. We'll see. And I've purchased vinegar. I know. Gross, right? Supposedly vinegar kills nasty odors (oddly enough, since it's own smell is so disgusting). We'll see about that one too. And finally I've dropped a pretty penny on an air purifier. I've read a countless number of reviews on different models and chose one with the highest rating that would fit into my budget (as if I actually had a budget for an air purifier). So I'm begging and pleading with the Flying Spaghetti Monster above that the combination of the baking soda, the vinegar and the air purifier will get rid of these nasty smells. The last thing I want to do is move AGAIN in a few months when my lease is up, but considering that I hate smoke and cat pee, if these smells don't completely disappear then I can't stay here. When I leave my apartment I can still smell the smoke in my clothes. That is one of the most disgusting smells to me. If I wanted to smell like that I'd go live with my mother for free (aside from the cost of emotional torture). I just wanted this place to be my home for a while. Not forever, but at least a couple of years. I have moved so much these past few years, I just wanted a place where I could live and feel like I'm at home. A place where I could walk in and kick back and not have to worry about stupid crap like smells. But ever since I moved in, it's been one issue after another. I'm tired of having constant issues with the places I'm living. I just want my own little cabin in the woods, away from everybody where I can have fresh air and peace and quiet. But there I go asking for too much again. Damn me for wanting to breathe clean air!

End of Vacation

My vacation ends in under twelve hours now... Poooooooooooop!!!

Anyway... I'm just browsing Etsy and came across some awesome things I thought I'd share...

http://www.etsy.com/shop.php?user_id=5814651
http://www.etsy.com/shop.php?user_id=6397725
http://www.etsy.com/shop.php?user_id=35723
http://www.etsy.com/shop.php?user_id=6089038
http://www.etsy.com/shop.php?user_id=21662
http://www.etsy.com/shop.php?user_id=6218669
http://www.etsy.com/shop.php?user_id=5033044

I love Etsy!

3:27 am

Going on in my head today...

• Same-sex marriage is legal in Iowa! The gays around here seem pretty jazzed about that. It's a huge step in the right direction, but we've still got 47 states and the federal government to follow in our footsteps. From what I've read though, it looks like the other side can't even bring about a vote on a constitutional amendment until 2012, so hopefully the world changes enough in the next three years that a ban has no chance of passing. Fingers crossed!
• I'm all moved into my new place. I'm going sofa hunting tomorrow - I can't wait! *Squeal* The only major issues I have right now are that the upstairs neighbors can be quite loud and that my living room smells like kitty piddle. How does one get rid of that smell? I've been using pet odor removal sprays all weekend and if something doesn't work soon I'm thinking of begging the apartment manager for new carpet.
• It snowed buckets the day after I moved in. Crazy! This is April, right? Why the January weather? So not necessary! Can we get some sunny 65 degree days please? Pleeeeease!?
• Unpacking is kind of crazy right now considering that a majority of my things have been stored away for the past 6 months - I'm finding things I forgot I had! It's like having brand new things! But then I'll think about something that I know I have and I can't find it anywhere. Eh... eventually all the boxes will be empty so things have to be somewhere. Maybe if I didn't pack things so randomly it would be better.
• Seriously, same-sex couples will be able to get married in Iowa. That's just amazing. I can't even believe it!

Settling In

My plant found herself a nice home...

But apparently nothing else has...

On a Serious Note

Just when I feel like I couldn't have any less faith in the human race, someone has to prove me wrong. This post could have the potential to run on and on and on, but I'll do my best to keep it short. I can't promise it will be very coherent though since my thoughts are all just kind of scrambled.

Today's Topic: RAPE

I have a friend who was raped by two men three years ago. After it happened she wasn't the same person. Nobody knew what was going with her or why she was acting so unlike herself. She didn't tell anybody for almost a year that she had been raped. Basically she went to a party with some friends, she went to go to the bathroom and these guys grabbed her and took her into a room and threatened her and violated her and then threatened to kill her if she cried rape to anybody. They were just random guys she never met before. After it happened she got in her car and just drove home. The next day when the friends who were at the party with her asked her why she left without saying anything she just told them that she got sick and had to leave. Over the following few months she began to lie about even the most random little things, she started stealing, she started losing a bunch of weight, she didn't laugh much anymore, she didn't do the things that she enjoyed doing anymore... Basically I felt like the person I used to know had disappeared. When she told what had happened to her, her mother convinced her to see a doctor and at least get tested for std's and her mom tried to convince her to get therapy but she didn't want it. She insisted that now that she had told a few people what had happened that she would be fine. And she did start to get back to living... she was never the same as before, but it seemed as though she had made some peace with it. Then after she transferred to a different college this past Fall, she saw one of the guys who raped her at the college and she started to fall apart. She started having nightmares. She wasn't able to sleep. She started taking pills. She started abusing pills. She developed an eating disorder. She dropped most of her classes. She overdosed on the pills and called her parents and they had her committed because they felt she was a danger to herself (the hospital agreed). When she left the hospital her parents wanted her to stay with them for a while, but she was angry at them for putting her in the hospital. She insisted that she didn't have a problem with drugs and that she's an adult and she can take care of herself. This morning I got a call from her mother saying that last week she was sexually assaulted while walking home one night and then she tried to kill herself so she's in the hospital again. It's good that this time she told right away and she went to the hospital and she let the police take photos and went through everything involved in reporting a rape. But how the hell did this happen to her again? I wonder if this was the same guy she saw walking around on campus, the one who was involved in the last rape. Was this another total stranger? Was this someone she knows? I was in such shock when her mother was talking to me that I didn't ask many questions. My friend isn't talking to many people right now, just her family and doctors, so I can't even speak to her myself. I just want to rewind to a time before any of this happened and change things for her. As for the rapists, I want them to be physically and psychologically tortured to the point that they wish they were dead. That's what they've done to my friend and I want it done to them tenfold. I want them to suffer. And I want rape to stop. I know that's just a stupid thing to say because it's never going to, but it would be nice. And it would be nice to live in a culture where boys aren't raised into men who believe that they should just take what they want without regard to how it affects others. But I won't even get into all that. I just had to get some of this stuff out there. I'm really at a loss to describe exactly how I feel about all this. I'm really angry and I'm really sad and I really want my friend to feel like herself again.

And Time Marches On

Well, here it is mid-March and I'm still without a place to go as of April 1. I looked at place last week that was just so gross it made me wonder who could possibly live in such conditions. The stench was so awful I felt like throwing up. Ick. I looked at a place today where the inside of the apartment was decent, but the buildings didn't appear to be very well maintained and I could hear loud music below and fighting across the hall. Not a great impression. My gut said, "Run!" Then I decided to drive by a couple of houses for rent. I don't want to rent a house because I don't want lawn care or snow removal responsibilities, but I figured I'd at least drive by and take a look at what I could get in my price range. Here's my issue... If you're trying to rent a house out and the house looks poorly maintained, people aren't going to want to rent it. One of the houses I drove by appeared to be falling apart and the other just looked scary. I couldn't see myself living in either one. I'm getting really tired of looking at places and very frustrated that I've only seen one place that I felt like I could actually live in and it was at the high end of my price range. I think I'm going to have to call Monday and find out if it's still available. If it is I'm handing in the application and paying the application fee and then crossing my fingers and praying to the invisible man in the sky that doesn't exist that I get the place. I'm coming to a point where if I don't have something I may have to arrange to stay put for another month and I would almost rather live on the street at this point than stay in this house for another month.

Okay, everybody cross your fingers for me. Hopefully next time I blog, I'll have a fabulous new place to tell you all about!

Getting a Headache

Up until today my apartment hunt has been quite disappointing. My first choice apartment complex was full and my second choice had an apartment open but before i got a chance to look at it, it had been rented out. Then I looked at another apartment that was just really dumpy and kind of scary looking... I wasn't feeling good about it at all.

So today I went to look at a two bedroom apartment and it was pretty nice. The kitchen was kind of blah, but the appliances are newer so that helps. The bedrooms were huge. There's tons of space for me to spread out. It's a really nice apartment overall and it's not too far outside my target area. Seems all well and good. But... It's on the second floor of a three story building so I would have neighbors above, below, and on one side of me. I'm not sure how I feel about that. It's at the very, very top of my price range and I really didn't want to have to go that high. Technically I can afford it, but if I suddenly found myself without a job and had a cut in pay, I may not be able to afford it. And here's the big kicker... As some of you may recall I broke a lease a couple years back and that may come back to haunt me now. Basically I had to move out before my lease was up and I left a balance open for quite some time. The balance is paid off now, but it will probably still count against me. Oh... and I still have some medical bills in collections so that means my credit sucks. And if they say I have to have a guarantor, the guarantor has to have an income that is six times the amount of rent... which is crazy because the tenant only has to make three times the amount of rent. I mean I only know a couple people who would even make six times the amount of the rent and they're definitely not going to co-sign a lease for me.

At this point I'm getting worried... well, no, I'm past getting worried - I've moved on to I'm definitely very worried. I'm moving in less than a month and I don't want to have to spend a bunch of money on application fees for apartments that I'll just get denied for. And I really feel like I need two bedrooms at this point but if nothing is available within my comfort zone as far as rent is concerned, I may have to settle on just having one bedroom and no storage space... and no space for my art stuff either. Which also means that I may be looking at moving again next year just because I'll feel claustrophobic and I'm really, really, really trying to avoid that. I'm sooooooooo tired of moving every stinking year! I just want to live somewhere that I know I'll be comfortable living in for at least a couple years. Two years living in the same spot would be a record. In my entire adult life I have not lived in one place for more than a year. That's sad! I can't do it anymore. I can't keep moving around. I hate moving. I don't know what to do. Ugh!

Too Much Feeling

I just found out that the father of my childhood best friend died last week. Now I've got all these memories of him floating through my head, which I find strange because I haven't seen or spoken to this man since I was a teenager. So why all these flashes of him in my mind? Why the swelling feeling in my chest like I want to cry? I keep thinking it's stupid of me to feel sad when I didn't even know him anymore. I have so many fond memories of him though. I remember he invited me to go camping with his family every summer when I was a kid. I remember him being an animal lover. I remember him lighting my sparklers on the 4th of July. I remember his humor. In fact I think some of my own sense of humor comes directly from him. I remember him explaining football to me - he was a Dallas Cowboy's fan and therefore, so was I. I have all kinds of random little memories about him of totally insignificant things. Obviously there's part of me that saw a father figure in him. Maybe that makes it okay to feel sad that he's died. I'm actually a little bit overwhelmed with it right now. I don't deal very well with death. There's too much feeling involved.

Just Tell Me!

I would like it to be known that I'm sick and tired of this recession bullcrap. I'm tired of turning on the news and hearing that there will be more layoffs. The company I work for even announced that there will be some layoffs. I'm hoping there won't be any at the location where I work, but it's scary because I just don't know. And it doesn't help that some of my coworkers are constantly talking about the possibility of layoffs. Some of the supervisors say not to worry about it or that it's not likely that we'll have any at our location. Some of the supervisors have said to be prepared just in case it does happen. Meanwhile I'm in a bit of panic myself. I just want to know one way or another if I'm going to have my job in six months... hell I'd like to know if I'll still have my job in six days! I have a lot of anxiety about it.

A few months ago I would have welcomed an opportunity to collect unemployment for a while... but now? No way. I've finally gotten myself into a position where I am not 100% miserable while I'm at work and I don't want to lose that. Am I happy at my job? No. But is it a hell of a lot better than it was? Absolutely. I don't dread waking up anymore just for the simple fact that I'll have to go to work. I just can't shake this feeling that now that I've found a way to be okay with my job, it'll be taken away from me. And now that I'm planning on getting out on my own again and having a nice big apartment all to myself and planning on (or at least hoping for) life going okay for a while... I'm absolutely terrified that it's all going to fall apart. I don't know what I would do if I lost my job right now. Just thinking about it causes major anxiety to spread through my body. It's a horrible feeling. I wish Obama could just snap his fingers and *POOF* we move into a nice long time of prosperity.

I hate feeling this way. I just want someone to say to me that my job is safe.

A Wee Bit of Fun

Thanks to http://coffinpractice.blogspot.com/ for the inspiration on this one.

Here's my album cover...

To create your own...

1. Go to http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Special:Random. The first random article you get is the name of your band.
2. Go to http://www.quotationspage.com/random.php3. The last few words of the last quote on the page is your album title.
3. Go to http://www.flickr.com/explore/interesting/7days/. The third picture will be your album cover.
4. Use whatever photo editing software you have to put it all together.

Okay, so I'm a rule breaker. I clicked on the random article link 3 times and used the third one I got. Then with the quote I just chose randomly on the page. I did use the third picture on the flickr link though so... yeah... I followed that rule... oh and the last one about putting it all together! Ha. Anyway, it was a fun time.

And She Rambles On...

So... how's it going out there in Blogville? Hopefully some good times are being had by somebody out there!

More random thoughts...

• I've been sketching what I want my bedroom in my new place to look like. Very odd considering that I haven't even looked at places yet, much less signed a lease or anything. I've been looking at pictures and walking through stores for inspiration. I'm hoping I can find some good deals on things. Life would be much easier if I lived near an Ikea.
• It's February. You know what this means? Spring starts next month! I can't wait! I can't wait to see grass and leaves. I can't wait to go outside without a coat on. It'll be very exciting.
• I'm not even a month into my classes and I'm already sick of them. They were interesting at first, now they're very demanding and I don't like that. I know in my heart that I don't want a business degree. I also know in my heart what I do want to do with my life. I'm just too chicken to actually go for it. So instead, I try to tell myself that I could be interested in something practical. It doesn't work though.
• I've had a bit of insomnia lately. I hate insomnia. When I don't get enough sleep I start to get really horrible panic attacks that just last and last and last and I can't live that way. So I've been having to take something to be able to sleep. I don't like doing that. Nine times out of ten when I take something to help me sleep I have the craziest dreams that freak me out. Not fun.
• Oh, the Super Bowl! Yeah, not exciting for me this year. Last year I didn't like either of the teams, but I didn't hate them either so i picked the underdog. This year, not as good of a situation. I've despised the Steelers ever since I started watching football back in 7th grade so there's no way I could ever root for them to win. Then on the other side you've got the Cardinals. I would have loved to have been behind them because they were definitely the underdogs... but with Kurt Warner as their QB I just couldn't do it. Anyway, the Steelers won the game. Boo! Maybe next year we can get some teams worth rooting for in the Super Bowl.

Anyway...

More random thoughts from my head...

• I've had enough of Winter. It got down to -34 the other night. That's just too damn cold! And I swear if it snows anymore I'm going to go outside and be the crap out of the snow. I'll do it. Have your camera's ready folks, because I'll do it! I hate winter so much right now!
• I've started my full time shift at work and I've been trained (for the most part) on my new responsibilities. It's going pretty good so far (other than the fact that IT department is taking forever getting me set up so that I can actually do my job). The other night I was thinking that I may no longer dread going to work every day... but I'll wait about three month before taking a really deep breath on that one. Every time I get excited about something it turns to shit, so I'm trying to be calm inside.
• My first week of classes is behind me now. It's strange to have those kinds of deadlines again. Online classes are a lot harder for me because when I was in college previously I learned by lectures. I could go an entire semester and crack open a textbook only a handful of times and still get A's and B's in my classes, but with online classes, there is no lecture, I have to focus on reading and that's extremely difficult for me. But I think I might be learning some useful information and I think I might be learning some things about myself as well. I'm hoping I do well in these classes, but I'm not putting the pressure on myself that I used to when I was in school before, so I think that's making this go pretty smoothly right now.
• I'm desperate for April to arrive so I can move into my own place again! I can't take much more of the roommate thing. I need space, I need privacy, I need alone time... I need to live alone. NEED. NEED! NEED!!! I'm going crazy.

Well, anyway, that's what's going on in my head right now. Time to take my anti-crazy pill!

:-)